Collecting Thoughts
I found this tucked away in the recesses of my collection of notes. Written when I was working 70 hour weeks, just before I headed off on vacation, this is an unadulterated reflection of what happened in my head during that time.
My head is spinning. A hundred thoughts and feelings rush between my ears every ticking second of the day. There is so much to do, a lot to say and even more not to say or do. I am writing lists and bullet points in Evernote, then Trello, then an email, a calendar invite. My personal journal is full of short sentences, spurts of letters that form phrases making some sense, or maybe it is nonsense. I forget to make myself a cup of tea, I’ve forgotten to eat, or go to the gym. There is a constant ping of a notification. There are meetings to be at, things to read, people to see, conversations to be had. And right now, this moment, after a mad rush through security, restroom break and a swig of champagne, as I try to settle into my seat on my way from Seattle to London, my mind is cautiously attempting to slow down.
My mind is whirling. The sky is blue with fluffy clouds. I have comfy grey and pink socks on. I’m listening to ‘Beyond the Pale’ (The Mission UK). I have decided on Brut Rosé and a Rioja to accompany my 3-course lunch. I accept a landing card for London.
I have no internet, no access to the outside world as we hurtle northward into Canadian airspace. A smiling stewardess asks me what I’d like to have for lunch and I forget that I want the haddock, but willingly accept a glass of rosé champagne. I pop a roasted almond into my mouth and wonder why it tastes different. My brain presses slightly into the back of my eyes.
I take a deep breath. I’m about to shut off my laptop, but I change my mind. I want food. I want to watch The Darkest Hour. I adjust the pillow against my back. The footstool is released, I slide my seat into a bed. My neurons sizzle like the bubbles in the glass of rose.
I have a thought. Another one follows. I pause. Is this important?
What can I do in the next 9 hours? I’m on an airplane. Some people know which one but really, what can I do?
My shoulders relax a little and I lean back into my pillow. If I fall asleep and wake up all that would have changed is my proximity to my destination. And the time, naturally. The inevitable will still remain so, everything else is in my control.
I smile. Yes, this is ok.
Author’s note: It has been a few insanely diverging and converging weeks – and I feel like I’ve gone through half a year but it was only 3 weeks in March. I needed an outlet and words give me that freedom.
What I’ve written here is just the rambling of a mind working. It happens to all of us because that’s how human brains are. I find that reflecting on it allows me to make sense of the world and myself; it helps me, eventually, find focus by giving myself that much needed ‘reset’ because I refuse to let anything control me more than I can control it.
The lesson? Rant, vent, ramble. Let it out. You need to do it. It helps bring back focus on what is important and vital.
